


You're gonna have to open up eventually, Jude

by TheLaziestMotherfucker



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Abuse, Angst, Child Abandonment, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLaziestMotherfucker/pseuds/TheLaziestMotherfucker
Summary: Jude deals with his break up with Noah.





	You're gonna have to open up eventually, Jude

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Hit The Floor fanfic! I've never written these characters before so please forgive me if they feel out of character and please let me know if they feel as such. 
> 
> I do want to say that this fanbase has been incredibly negative (and a bit racist, lets be honest) regarding Jude/Noah. I am posting this for the people who want to read about them. If you don't want to read about them and you read it anyway only to comment negative/hateful things about the pairing then I will delete those comments :) 
> 
> I would say more but I don't want to get angrier than I already am about the poor treatment that some fans have given other htf fanfic writers.
> 
> Here is my first (and most likely only) Hit The Floor fic!

_I keep reaching out to people. To you, Oscar. Just once, I want someone to reach back._

 

**xXx**

 

It was a bit ironic, wasn’t it? Three years ago he was saying this to Zero. He wanted that more than anything. He wanted someone to love him, he wanted someone to _care_ about him in the same way that he did with him. He had wanted that more than anything. Now… Now Jude guessed that he still wanted that, but not as much anymore. 

The thought is nice but it’s a bit unrealistic, isn’t it? Someone _loving_ himand wanting to _stay_ with himfor years? Not gonna happen. Everyone leaves him at some point. He preferred that they’d leave sooner rather than later. The sooner they leave, the less damage Jude endures. Less pieces he has to pick up.

 The only exception to this preference was Oscar. His father by blood left almost the second Jude was born and never looked back. Jude was left picking up the pieces of his mother’s heartbreak as well as his own. He hadn’t known Oscar very well when he was younger, but he wanted a father. He wanted someone to be there.

That was the one time where leaving sooner hurt more than anything else. Oscar didn’t even know him. He didn’t care to know anything about his _own_ _son_. He threw him and his mother away like they were nothing. Like they were toys that you eventually grow out of. 

With everyone else, yeah, they chose to leave later. They chose to leave, breaking the promises that they never would, and breaking his heart, too. Promises are beginning to feel more and more empty these days. 

Noah was sweet. He was shamelessly and unabashedly himself. He was a charmer as well as a comedian. He was many things – good things. He was the complete opposite of Jude in almost every single way. He was smoking hot, honest, and his heart was in the right place. Jude believed that he had good intentions, but that was all they were. Noah would probably be good for him, but he doesn’t want to find out. 

This is when the irony comes in. For first time in nearly two years and the second time in his entire life, someone was reaching for him. He was doing it simply because he liked Jude, because that’s what you do in a relationship. And Jude turned Noah away. It was what he’s secretly wanted deep down for such a long time; and yet, he denied both of them what they wanted: each other. 

Noah wanted him now, but he wouldn’t later. People say it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. It was becoming a bit difficult for Jude _not_ to disagree with that. Jude didn’t want to get hurt again.  

 

**xXx**

 

Jude was drunk. He wasn’t shit-faced, but he was drunk. His body was heavy and loose and dead, which was the point he was aiming for. This wasn’t the way to handle things and he knew that, but… But nothing. He was tired – tired of bottling things up. His chest had been feeling heavy for the past week. Ever since Noah started asking questions, his chest became heavy with anxiety. There was a lot to unpack in each question, and Jude didn’t want to answer any of them. 

He wasn’t ready to say any of it out loud. Not after he spent so much time trying to forget and move on. He didn’t want to say it, especially to Noah.

Getting drunk was not the way to face his feelings but fuck if it didn’t make it easier. Alcohol has ability to make people be more open and that was what Jude needed at the moment. Nearly two years of loneliness + a lifetime of abandonment will close someone off. He wanted to simply move past those issues only for an hour or so. They weren’t ever going to be something he could just “move past” but he could forget that he had those issues. For an hour, he would just drink, watch tv, and distract himself from the distant memories of Zero and Oscar and his sad life. 

And to forget Noah’s very true words. 

 _You’re gonna have to open up eventually, Jude._

For someone who had so much trouble with shutting up most of the time, it was kinda funny that he was now having the exact opposite problem.

Jude hated that Noah was right. He wanted to open up - he wanted to open up to someone so _badly_ – but the issue with opening up is that it leaves him vulnerable. Opening up means that Jude will begin to trust him and might even fall in love with him. Noah’s sweet and open, and Jude _feels_ like he could trust him, but he doesn’t let himself. 

If Jude opens up and lets himself trust Noah, then that opens up the possibility of getting hurt again. 

Opening up leaves him vulnerable. It tears down his defenses, and as his past shows, it makes him stupid as well. He fools himself into believing that someone could actually _be_ in _love_ with him and that they would be in love with him until death did them part. That was never the case. 

He didn’t understand the point of being open and vulnerable if all it did was leave him feeling more broken than before. Tired of being broken down, tired of feeling like an idiot, tired of feeling _used_ , a wall was built up inside of him. One that didn’t let any pain go out and didn’t really let any happiness inside. The pain only dulled in time, leaving Jude in an almost numb state where he just didn’t feel anything at all. The worst part of this was that he was content with living like that.

Everyone else in his life was fine with him living like that, too. Well, everyone except Lionel, the only person that _knows_ Jude. The only person that he really talks to. 

Jude was incredibly smart and analytical when it came to business. He was great at strategizing and figuring out what people want and makes them tick. He knows how to get what he wants, he knows how to come out on top, but when it came to people or himself, he ended up losing in feeling and confusion. People are so fucking complicated. 

Having the alcohol sunk in, Jude took his phone from the table and opened. Without thinking, he opened Noah’s messages, and typed: _I like you_. 

He didn’t send it. He almost did, but he didn’t. He closed his phone, leaving the message there for him to open in the morning. He’ll read it and maybe he’ll get some sense on what to do then. Jude was drunk but he wasn’t about to go confessing his feelings to everyone, not when he wasn’t able to admit or accept them himself. 

 _In the morning,_ he repeated in his head. He’ll think about this in the morning when he’s sober. It’ll hurt so fucking much but it has to be done. 

Jude doesn’t drink often. When he does, he does it to loosen up. Emotions flow out and Jude writes them down for sober Jude to read and face. He had to. At some point, he had to.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcome! I do appreciate criticism, I just wanted to make sure in my notes above that I will tolerate hate. 
> 
> I hope this was good!


End file.
